Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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