I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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