Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
