i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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