Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
