he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
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