There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
