If that was your dad, he is hot
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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