He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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