I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
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