so that wasnt chicken after all
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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