Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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