My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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