Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
