Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
