There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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