That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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