I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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