her vagine was all disorganized.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
