my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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