Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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