I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
