Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Farmville is her only friend.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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