Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
