Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
