so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
