just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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