I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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