Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
