He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
