You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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