i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
