I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
