My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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