Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
