my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The air was thick with penises
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
