I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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