My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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