Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
