Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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