My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
