she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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