my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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