I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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