Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
