Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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