She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
