I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
