Christians are straight up FREAKS
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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