She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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