i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
