I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I can't turn off my feet"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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