btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
