I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
