I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize