I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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